I will, with these sites, tell you a little about me and my life.As an incest-survivor, I will try to take up some of the things you may wonder about. Welcome in, and if you like the pages, please let me know by giving me a little hi. Thank you.
I was the daughter of a single mom. My dad was never around to be a daddy. My mom and I was living with my grandparents for a while. Then my mom found a boyfriend, and they married when the I was 1 year old.
I had two sisters and a brother. I was a very proud big sister. My family moved to a little cottage in the woods. My mother was singing during the evenings at meetings, and my stepdad was babysitting.My mother told me later, that when she came home after meetings, she could find me with bruises around my neck, and when asking my stepdad, he told her I had fallen down from the kitchentable, while he was changing me. Well, I know that cant be right, because if I had fallen, the bruises wouldnt be around my neck!
I havent that much memories from my early years. Maybe because I actually managed to delete them from my mind? Maybe they are too bad to remember. I only know that what happened, has stayed with me for the rest of my life, and will stay even longer!
When I was around 9,my mom and stepdad divorced. We moved again, far away from grandparents and friends. I had to start a new school, make new friends. Not only did I have to start a new school and make new friends. I also had a terrible time, being abused.
I used to go to bed at night, trying to be as quiet as I could be, because I knew that if I was asleep, I was safe. But no matter how quiet I was, HE came in. He said he just wanted to say goodnight. I was scared, and I resigned. I knew I couldn`t tell anyone. They wouldn`t believe me anyway.
So, I kept the secret to myself for many many years. I used to turn the lights off, and then I used to watch the light under the door. The light that told me if he would come or not.Sometimes I even tried to scream that he wouldn`t come in, but that just made it worse.
When I was 12, I moved again. My dad wanted me to live with him. I moved to him, but I lived with my grandparents, the most wonderful grandparents in the world. I was safe at their house. And I loved being there. But I had to go away during the week, to go to school. I was home every weekend, though, and I loved it.
One weekend my class was going on a trip to an island not far away. On the boat to the island, I was raped. I didn`t tell that to anyone either. I knew noone would believe me. I knew, I didn`t know why, but I just knew. When I came home, I didn`t tell my dad or my grandparents either.
One summer, I was 12 years old, and my mother, who was an alcoholic, took a friend of mine and myself out bar-hopping. At the age of 12, she dressed us up, put make-up+ on us, and gave us a ring to sort of "tell" we were older than we were. Went to one pub, and she said we were 18, so off course we got beer. That night, when we got back, I did my first attempt to leave this earth. Didnt work, woke up a couple of days later, and the only reaction I got was: Ok, so you are finally up.....They didnt even notice.
Remember alot of things from the age of 12 up. But will not go into that.
I do not remember all of the abuse. But I remmember one special incident. I was around 13-14 years old, and this had been going on for years. This summer, I had just returned back home from my grandparents, and was out at a party in the woods.. Got drunk, and was supposed to go home. But I didnt want to go home, I really just wanted to die! So I lay down in the middle of the road, hoping to get hit by a car. Well, the car that stopped, was my stepdad. He took me home, and into his room, where I spent the night. Will not go into what happened, but just say that I will never forget!
I got on with my life, and moved back home, to my mom. I used the nights to go out, to drink, to try to get away from the pain. I was only 14, but I felt like I had been living forever.
I met a man, and got pregnant at 17. A good way to get out of home, I thought. I had a baby, being a baby myself. But I knew I would love this baby forever.I had another baby, and another. And I loved them all very very much. But still I felt like I wasn`t myself.. I knew I needed some help getting over my past, but who could I ask?
So, I started talking. And I talked and talked. And I felt like coming out of a big hole.I got better. But before I got better, I got worse. I tried suicide again, and while in the hospital I was to talk to a psyciatrist. I asked him if whatever I told him would stay with him. He told me yes, but I was still too afraid to tell him. I don`t really know why, but I guess I was scared because my stepdad would know I told someone.
I was telling my dad. And as I predicted, he didn`t believe me. I broke down in tears. I told him about those years of being scared, being angry, being helpless. And he didn`t believe me.
I told my mom, who did believe me. I told my sister, who also believed me. I told a friend, who I thought I could trust, but this "friend" almost ruined me. My suicideattempts became more often like a scream for help. I didn`t really want to die, but at the same time I wanted to get away from the hurt. I tried cutting myself, and it did work. Because the pain outside overcame the pain inside.
The last time I OD`d, I was floating up in the ceiling, looking down at my self. And that time I found that no matter what I did, I wouldn`t get rid of the hurt. The only thing that really could help me, was Jesus. He was there all the time, waiting for me to say YES. And He is still with me. Every day, all day.
So if you are one of those who have been abused, please, do not think that you will never get rid of the hurt. Because you will. You just have to have faith.
Don`t give up. We CAN manage. We CAN get rid of the hurt.
OK, so there is alot to say about sexual abuse. For the people who dont know how it is like to be a child, scared to go to bed, it is not easy to explain either. I will try to explain how some of the children, if not all, feel. I can only take MY feelings, MY thoughts, MY fear into this. But I can also tell a little about others fear, others feelings, others thoughts, because those are the ones I have talked to. I can talk about the suicides, about the acting out, about the tears, the pain, the feeling of being nothing.
But I can also talk about the POWER, the LAUGHTER, the feeling of FINALLY MAKING IT THROUGH!
I will start with the fear.
Can you imagine how a little child feel, when he or she know what is happening is wrong, but dont dare to tell anyone because he or she was threaten to silence? Can you imagine hoe it feels, knowing it will not stop until either that person, OR the child is dead? Can you imagine the feeling of loyalty to the perpetrater, and still to the mother? (I am talking about incest) Can you imagine the fear of a father telling you that if you do not shut up, your dad will be in jail, or your mom will be killed, or your siblings will be killed, or..or...?
Can you imagine the feeling of never being safe? Of knowing that whatever you do, you cannot escape?
Think about it for a minute. A child is the most precious thing we have. And so many are ruined for the rest of their life because of some adult who want THEIR will done. The power of having a child to scare, arrouse them, make them feel BIG and STRONG. And (sorry to say) horny.
You see, it isnt really about the sex. It start out with the need of power. And then, when they see this is a good way of doing it, they go on, and on. Start out careful. And when it is over, the child is ruined.
The fear is there all the time. The child fear bedtime the most, because that`s usually when it is going on. Thats when the dad, stepdad, friend of the family, babysitter, even mom, come to get their power-ups...
The child try to pretend they are sleeping, but that dont help much. The abuser NEED the rush. So the child is scared, because he or she know they will not get the sleep until the abuse is over.
So beside the fear, what do an abused child feel? HOW does he or she feel?
There are many feelings involved. The fear is the strongest, and then comes the WHY? Why does he do it? What is wrong with me, since he does that? Is it something I have done? Or said? And why cant mommy see it? Does she know? And IF she know, why dont she say anything? And then again, if mom got to know, she would either be put in jail, or killed. So, cannot tell mom. And if anyone else find out, the child know she or he will have to pay. Secret. Thats what it is. But why does it have to hurt? And shouldnt a secret be exciting? Not this one!
Then you have the feeling of not being worth anything. How can someone love somebody who has been used like that? How can you love a child that is used? Noone love someone like you. So the child react in a couple of different ways.
The child grow, gets older, and start really thinking. Thinking, because they learn about sex, and how it SHOULD be. And then they know for real this is wrong. But they still cannot talk about it, or tell anyone. Why not? Because NOW, they are ashamed too! Ashamed because they are used, because they "know" their body must look hidious, since their dad could do what he did. There HAD to be something there. SOMETHING that made the dad hate them, so bad that they would kill. It had to be the body, right?
So she, (talking from the girls side from now) start doing one of two things: She either develop anorexia nervosa, or she eat and eat, and eat. Some say they think maybe men liked the thin body, and therefore wanted to be thick, so they stay away. Others go the other way, do not develop at all, stop eating, get skinnier and skinnier. And oh, so many young girls have died due to that.Starved themselves to death. Just because someone, sometimes, (often) did what they did.
If THAT dont help, and sometimes it dont, because the dad, stepdad or whoever, is so "into" the abuse, and like it so much, that the girl dont see another choice to get away, then to start either drinking, or doing drugs. Many young girls die from that too. And so many times it is suicide.
Cutting. Remember I said something about that? Let me tell you what it mean, if you dont know.
A cutter is a person who have so much pain inside, that she feel the ONLY way to get the pain out, is to see blood.To feel the PHYSICAL pain, instead of the emotional. So she cut herself. Usually on the arms, underarms, legs. Some cut shoulders, stomack, wherever, as long as they feel that pain, and see the blood. It hurt for some hours, but THAT hurt is easier to deal with, than the emotional hurt. The cuts are not uaually that deep, but they are still cuts. And for some, the cuts are not cleaned, and may get infected. THAT can again lead to other things.
A cutter can be stopped, or manage to stop by her own. But some cutters cant manage to stop. It become a habit, and they NEED that hurt. I know a few cutters. Some have stopped, some have not. And usually a cutter is not JUST a cutter. Maybe she is also anorectic,or bulimic, or a drug-addict, or alcoholic. No matter what, she need help. She need to be able to get the emotional pain out, not by cutting, but by talking,.
Anorectic.
I do believe we all know what an anorectic is. We dont always know WHY they become anorectic, but they dont become one without a reason. The reason can be many things, like if they want to be a model and are told they are too fat. (like have a weight JUST over the "normal" weight). OR, they have been abused, and dont want NOONE to like their body. They starv themself, so much so, they might die. THESE girls need to know it is ok to tell their secret. That whatever it is, it is NOT worth dying for.
I have a wonderful wonderful friend. She is such a great person. And she went through hell. She was force-fed at the hospital, got out, stopped eating, back in, out again, back in, for so many years. She was as down as a person could get. But she managed, and are now a woman in her bloom. I am so proud of her! When we was at our lowest, we helped each other. She was an inspiration to me, and I hope I was for her. We have both been through hell, but got out. So it CAN be done, and it WILL be done!
Bulimia.
Overeating, and then throwing up. Yes, I was diagnosed with both. Managed to get through it, and are now ok. But that was a hard few years.
To overcome this, one need to be strong, and/or have friends, family to help! One can do it....:)
Alcohol and drugs.
It is an easy way to get the pain nummed. To not feel. get drunk, do drugs, so the hurt kind of go away. Some girls get so into the drugs and the alcohol, they do overdose, or simply ruin their body so much, it cannot take it anymore. And off course, some commit suicude with drugs.
Prostitution.
Girls that have been abused as children, sometimes turn to prostitution. Its like: Why not get paid for something others just take? At least then I am in control.....not!
A girl who turn to prostitution, is never in control. First she lost her virginity to her dad, then she lose her selfrespect, dignity, all she COULD have had, to men on the street. And that often also make them turn to drugs. Why not? They dont want to feel the hurt inside. They dont want to feel when they do their job. How to stop it? I honestly dont know. But I do believe love, understanding, may help.
Suicide.
We all know about that, right? Oh God. I still have the girls in my heart. The ones that died. The one that died of alcohol, the two that took an overdose, the one that hung herself. The first was one of my best friends. Loved her to death. And she died so early. The two was someone I knew, who made a pact to commit suicide together. The last one, the one that really hurt. She was such a beautiful girl.And so young. So full of hidden pain. I pray they are all safe now!
Suicide is, someone say, done by cowards. And yes, for some that may be true. Those who dont dare meet whatever they have done.But an abused child, the pain in their heart, and soul, are so hard, it hurt so much, they just cannot bear it any longer. And I dont really think anyone who havent been there, would understand.
You see, I still have that pain, not as bad anymore, but it is still there. We can learn to live with it, but it take time. And during that time, it all come back double, tripple, and some cannot manage to bear it, so they chose to end it. To not feel anymore. It is hard! VERY hard!
What to do? Be alert! SEE the person, not just say you will be there. Go to them, call them, never leave them alone. It take just a few minutes. And you will regret the rest of your life, thinking "why didnt I stay", "why didnt I see that", etc etc.
And then again: THERE WAS NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE!!!!!
You see, these people dont do it just in that moment, just like that. No, they have had that thought for a long long time. But you can be there to hopefully see it through. Its not always it help though. And thats when you need to know that you couldnt have done more than what you did. Please, remember that!
OK, I think I have said something about the bad. If you read, and have a question, please ask.
Laughter!
Oh, the best thing in the world is laughter. The nonstopping, HAPPY laughter. It is there, just sometimes hard to find. But if you find it, you will be amazed at how it sound. So wonderful! And to see the girl HAPPY, is the best thing ever. When you know she is through the worst, and can go on with her life, and STAY happy! To see her have a boyfriend, have a baby, get married, live a FULL life. The best ever! I have seen it, and I just love it!
When I started in that one group, and then started my own, I saw girls, and boys, hurting so bad. But I also saw them come out alive, happy, get boyfriends, babies, and let me tell you, I am so proud of them! AND I am SO happy to know them! They are wonderful wonderful people. Young ruined lifes that have come out of it in one piece, and are happy! NOTHING can be better!
I am lucky. I made it through, and these women and men made it through. And I am blessed to know they are doing good. And even better...:-)
So what shall one do to help a person who is abused? Do you know about anyone, PLEASE do something. Talk to them, if they are very young, call the police, if they are older, talk, ask what you can do, take them out of the place they are in, get them away from the abuser. And stand by them all the way. They will be terrified, they will be so scared, for themself, for the familymembers, for the abuser, they need someone to hold them, tell them they are not to blame.
Ah, the shame.
OMG! THAT is the worst. Because, the GIRL feel the shame, not the abuser. The GIRL is the one walking with that the rest of her life.
If you are with someone who have been abused, you might see she is not much willing to show herself naked in front of you, maybe intimacy is hard for her. TRY to understand. This is something she have been feeling for her entire life. Take the time. Show her its ok. Tell her its ok. And maybe one day you will be the one to get her out of that shell. Who knows, maybe you will be the one she will trust?
The shame of this is horrible. It is so hard. Because she feel it is her fault. Just like some rape-victims. Maybe it was the clothes she had on, maybe this maybe that. Anyway, the shame is big and hard to get rid of! Just BE there. Show her you love her. And by all means, never ever ruin her trust. No matter what happen, always let her know her secret,(if she dont want it to come out) is safe with you!!!
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