Feeling like nothing.

I have seen that many males, (yes, I dont call them men anymore, because a man wouldnt do that), are searching online for their new "fix". It is weird to know that when they have a woman who really love them, they still feel the urge to go online searching for other women? And share them.

As for me, I lost the feeling of being me when I saw that happen to me. When I saw that the one I thought was in love with me, still went out there, searching, looking for other women, pictures, or to talk with them, and share pics, and whatever. It really turned me so much off, I lost every feeling I had. Because.....if he needed them, he really didnt need ME, right? So why stay?

When I saw that he wanted to do that, more than try to fix the relationship, tell me that he wanted me, and that he didnt need them anymore, was when I left. First I left emotionally. Because I knew that if he was online cheating like that, he might as well go offline to cheat. And when my emotions left, I felt that there was nothing left on other sides either. Because he was emotionally unstable to be able to give what I needed. He was more into the women online, what they could give. I dont really know WHAT they gave him, but he didnt give me the attention he gave them, so why should I give him?

I noticed that, when he was away from the net for a few days, he got very much upset. Upset in a way that to me, was obvious that he needed to go back there, look up these women, find these pictures, share them, keep them, and look at them over and over again. His computer were filled up.

It hurt me to the point that I HAD to step back. I had to see that I had so much more worth, I was NOT worthy of being the secon-best. I valued myself. I had respect for myself. So much so, I had to go.
Because, if he didnt value ME enaugh to stop searching for others, why should I stay there? Why shoukd I keep up in something that in the end would kill every feeling I had? I needed to know I had some value too. And with what he did, I knew that to HIM, I didnt have that. He didnt value me for me. He valued THEM, not me. He would talk to them, he would give them his pictures, and he would chat also on the phone. Sharing himself with them. But he wouldnt talk to me. He wouldnt share himself with me.

Yes, it hurt. But you know what? That hurt made me understand that in order to love myself, I had to move on. To see who I was. Away from him. It took me a while to understand that what I felt for him, had gone after he denied everything, and still did it. After the lies, I didnt trust a word he said anymore. It was hard to know I wasnt even worth the truth. Oh, he said, in the beginning, that he loved me. Maybe the greatest lie ever told? But when he stopped saying that, I stopped too. Because I knew he feeded of that. And he didnt love anyone but himself really. He was in love with every woman out there, But not with the one who really loved HIM. Maybe he needed the attention from everything walking in high heels? I dont know. All I know is, when we were out somewhere, he would always compliment everyone. But....I never heard him really compliment me. I never heard him say I was "bootylicious", "sexy", or whatever. Or had nice shoes on, or even just a nice dress. It was like he never saw ME. Weird, but true. In the end I found that when he complimented all of these other women, he did that because he wanted them to like him. He didnt NEED that with me, because I LOVED him. And he knew that.

Maybe that was what I did wrong? I told him I loved him. So he thought he do whatever? Flirt, on and off line, search for others online, share their pictures, share his? I dont know. I just know it hurt me very very much. And that is why I finally manage to go.

Now, I dont know. He is probably still online, searching for new women to sleep with, sext with, dominate, or whatever it is he need. But me, I am gone with the wind. I am not searching for love anymore. Why should I? If God want me to find it, He will give it to me. And to know that God will give me what I need, is better than anything in this world.

Maybe someday I will find someone who will treat me right, who will not flirt with everyone, and who will keep me in his arms. Who will give me a hug just because. Who will tell me I look good, or have on nice clothes, or even just say I look good in the morning?

Who knows..:)

But I am an optimist. Because I know, with my values of life, and my respect for myself, and others, I would never manage to do what he did. I would never put myself out there like he did. I will continue to keep my respect for myself.

I do believe the worst thing that happened was the fact that I found something online, and he denied it so much, even though I knew it was true what I have seen. And when he finally said: OK, so if it WAS like that, if was before your time...... I said, yes. But the fact is: you lied to me.
A lie is still a lie. No matter what. And, as I have said before, IT MAKES ME QUESTION EVERYTHING YOU HAVE SAID, AND EVERYTHING YOU SAY! I cannot trust you anymore. Because, if you can lie straight to my face, how much more lies have it been?

Child pornography online.

This will be BOTH Norwegian, AND English.

BARNEPORNO PÅ NETT

Ser du noe, så anmeld her: children@risk.online.no eller direkte til : Kriminalpolitisentralen: tips@kripos.no Den første mail adr. er til Redd barna, der er du sikret 100% anonymitet. Ingen er tjent med at små barn selges og utnyttes av griser. DETTE BURDE ALLE HA PÅ SIN SIDE. KOPIER DETTE NÅ

IF you see any childporn online, PLEASE report to The Red Cross.--- AND the police in your area! You need to take a stand, so please, please, please, do something. We HAVE to stop it. 

Porn is all over the net. Unfortunatly it is not "just" the "ordinary" porn, but also the hard ones, and the childporn. PLEASE help stop it! We are grown ups who want to save our children. And if you are one who like to watch childporn, please know you are sick! Seek help! 

TOO many women and men have been through this. They have been sold online/offline, to perverts who ruin the childs life. So many children have been killed. And so many have had their lives ruined to the fact that they have committed suicide. IS IT WORTH IT? ARE YOU PROUD TO BE ONE WHO DIDNT EVEN TRY TO STOP IT?

Please, do what you can to stop it!

Thank you!!!

The lie

Telling a lie is similar to a snowball rolling downhill. It may seem harmless until the damage begins to build.

And a lie is a lie,no matter how you think you manage to cover it up. You can never cover up a lie for long. Blame the lies on someone you dont even know dont make it less of a lie,just more. And we all know. Sometimes you think you are smart,by telling a lie. But truth is: you will never be trusted,when lies is said more often than the truth,and when you become angry when caught, you show that you know you have been caught in your lies.

People who lie alot,lose the respect of those who care about them. You cannot be trusted,so why bother being around you? Lies complicate things. It gives the people around you the feeling of betrayal,all the time. They cant trust you to be honest about anything,and you hurt them by that.Is it worth it?

I do believe that once a liar, always a liar. Like once a cheater, always a cheater.... I guess the way people have learned it is ok to tell a lie, will keep them from ever being truthfull. I have learned, that if one tell a lie once, one cannot be trusted again. Every thing that is said, will bring the question:" Is he/she telling the truth now? No, I dont think so....."

It is hard being lied to. In the beginning, maybe you believe them. And then ONE lie comes out, and then another, and then you really find yourself questioning everything they say. Petty little lies. Just like: I am going out the door right now.....while you are still getting dressed. Or: I am in the car right now.....while you still have at least 10 minutes before you even get TO the car.  And the best lies of all: I love you......

Oh yes. I guess that is the biggest lie in the universe. "I love you".....while they are looking around to see if they can find something better...

Do they really believe in their own words? Or is it a way of taking advantage of the ones they CAN take advantage of, until a new person come along?

I have seen too much of it. "I am single"....while in a relationship, or even married....leading all the people they want on, and leaving the gf or wife at home not knowing. Or...I do this or that, and not that or this, while the opposite is the real truth.

People, is a lie the best you can give? Dont you understand that you lose not only the trust, but also the respect? Do you want respect? Do you want to be trusted? Then be honest! 

I dont care who you are, because I see it. I see it when you lie. You might not understand that, but maybe I trusted you in the beginning, and then I saw, heard, and knew. And my respect for you went down. My trust in you is gone. I mean, why should one trust someone that cannot be trusted? Especially when they have been given the chance to tell the truth. And didnt. 

I guess some people are so used to the lie, they believe it themself. But alas, that is not true. A lie is a lie is a lie.

Start being honest. Because you will really really benefit from that in the end. Maybe the trust will come back. Maybe the respect will come back. But....it will take a long time to rebuild trust where there is none.

Maybe one day you will see that. A lie is still a lie, not matter how you wrap it up.....

Whores, sluts,bitches, VS Don Juans.....

Yes. This is just a thought about how we are looked at. How we are mentioned. How we are displayed.

I didnt really know how to start this, but ok, here goes.

I have been reading blogs and articles online, in newspapers, etc, about porn and how it makes people feel. About "does porn make more violence", "does porn make people better", "is porn promoting rape"...etc etc. And what I have found out is somewhat like this:

In the pornindustry, we have women,(sluts,teens,milf`s, etc) who are being raped,gangbanged,s&m-bondage-raped-tied up-etc. First time this-first time that. And they are really tied up, being used, being raped, they are hung up in ropes, upside down, being raped with whatever is avalable there and then, they are whipped, and they "like it"......SAYS WHO?????

Men, oh, they are MEN. They do the raping, the whatever. And off course, they like it.

But, HOW COME the women are refferred to as sluts, whores, bitches, and all the bad names in the book? I wonder.

Then we have the "extreme" porn, where the girls are really being hurt. For WHAT? For men to be happy? Or just because the fact that ordinary sex is too mild? And we need to see the girls really hurt in order to be able to react?

Let me ask: Do you like to see people hurt? (girls that is). Do that bring you more pleasure? Will that make you more of a MAN?

So let us see: DOES the porn make more rapes? Or does it really increase it?
I dont think it make LESS rapes. See, women are shown to ENJOY being raped. So why should men not do it?

I was told by a "man" once, that "Yes, women do like being raped". I was stunned. I just LOOKED at him, and asked:"HOW can you say that?"
He said:"Well, maybe they dont like it at first, but after just a minute, they love it"........

I never asked him if he had been watching porn, but I am sure he had. And the fact that he could bring himself to say that, made me sick! This is unfortunatly how so many "men" think. They believe in what the porn indutry say. "Women like to be raped, to be abused, to be gangbanged, to be this and that". NOT TRUE.

A real relationship is NOT like this. Women, MOST of them anyway, like to be held, to be loved, to have hugs, kisses, and to be SAFE! How can one be safe if one is just a servant? To be there to serve the man, to do whatever he want, whenever he want, in a leash, whenever he feel the need to abuse and use? To maybe be photographed, shared to others, to never know who see you on or offline, to always be worried about if maybe he will bring other "men" home to rape you? Because it is rape, when the woman dont want to do whatever, and are still too scared to say no. Because you see, being on a leash is to be submissive, to be scared whenever he say something, or even look at you. Is that love? No, that is actually hate.

I have a feeling that men who watch porn, share their women with others, (being it pictures on or offline, videos, talks about how to do things with her, how to make her submissive etc) really hate women. They dont see them as equal. They see them as a use-throw away object. Something that is there for THEM. To be slaves, in and outside of the bedroom. How can that possibly be love?

Porn use teenagers because they are young, easy to form, and after a while, they will do whatever, because they are too scared to say NO! And then, they are sold. Online human trafficking is so "normal" now, people can find these girls everywhere. I am so sorry. I wish men would feel what these girls feel....

And, to wonder why men call women sluts, whores, bitches, etc. I dont wonder about that anymore. It is because they learn from the internet, from magazines, from their dads, how to "treat a woman". They learn how to lie, cheat, put their girlfriends down. And internet is, I think, the main source of that. And of course, TV and radio.....

Today it is too easy to find this. I call it dirt. DIRT. Because that is what it is. And again, people dont see how many girls are hurt, killed, because of this.

MEN OF ALL AGES: PLEASE take a GOOD stand about this. STOP IT! DO NOT CONTINUE THIS EVIL CIRCLE. WE, as women, are HUMANS. We are not plastic, allthough the women in the pornindustry is. (fake boobs, fake faces, fake everything) Us normal women, we are who we are. And still we get scared to show ourselves, because if we dont have that "fantasybody", we will not be "loved". Why is it, that men think we are "perfect"....or...rather...WANT US TO BE perfect?

We are not. BUT, we are no sluts, whores, bitches either. We are MOTHERS, DAUGHTERS, GRANDMOTHERS, SISTERS, NIECES, GRANDDAUGHTERS.

What if you saw your own granddaughter, sister, daughter, or mother being abused like that? Would you share it on to your "friends"? Or would you be sad and maybe angry? THINK ABOUT IT! And think about how your spouse feel, when she feel you go online to watch porn, in order to be with her.

And one more thing while I am at it:

WHERE is the kiss? The hug? The talk about "I love you", the feeling of worth? You dont do or say it because you "know" we are not worth it? Where is the cuddle? All those things that USED to be important, it is gone. Why? Do you think we dont want it anymore? Are we just for use when in bed? Or in the kitchen? Or.....as a toy where you can do whatever you feel, and we should just take it?

Ordinary women, we actually have feelings. Yes, we do put them far back, when you treat us like a slut,whore or bitch. We dont want you to see our tears. Because they dont mean nothing to you, do they? You see, how you treat those women, will reflect back on you. You will see us not smiling anymore when you are around. You will see us not talking anymore when you are around. We will not joke anymore. Because, that will just make you mad, and want to make us even more submissive.

Is that what you want?

And why is it that men are never "sluts, whores, and bitches?" Why is it they are "strong, don juan, sexy,".....when THEY are ones talking bad about you, putting you down, treating you like nothing, never give a hug, never touch you unless to make you feel bad?

COME ON GIRLS! BEAT THEM! GET AWAY FROM THEM! THEY ARE NOT MEN! THEY ARE LOWER THAN ANIMALS!!!!!!

Animals actually show affection. These males dont. And whatever they say that can make you feel even more bad than you already did, they will! Is that love? NO!!!!

And they learn this from the "nice" porn they watch. Where THEY get their "goodies", and YOU are just a doll, in high heels....(who the heck wear high heels to bed anyways.....)

No, get away from them. And please, stand up for yourself. Be strong!!!!!

MIRAA

MIRAA,or KHAT

I never heard about it until I got there. Or, I HAD heard about the KHAT, but it has many names, so I didnt know it was also named MIRAA. I was looking at it, I saw them chew it, and I wondered what it was. So I had a chat with my neighbour, and then went online to figure out what it was. And it scared me. I mean, its a drug, and its LEGAL in many parts of Africa. Kenya is one of the parts where it is legal!

My neighbour told me about it, and how it affected her husband. I could off course HEAR it on him when he had been chewing, whitch was every day. And then he stopped for a while, and I could hear the different in his voice, and I KNEW he hadnt been chewing that day.

Khat, or miraa, is like a drug, or in fact, IS a drug. I will try to put out some of the things that are said about it.

What is Miraa?

· Miraa is a plant whose fresh leaves and soft twigs are chewed to release a juice containing cathinone and cathine, the activechemicals that alter the mood of the abuser.

· Consumers also refer to miraa using less familiar names such asKhat, Veve, Muguka, Goks, Gomba, Mbachu, Mairungi, Alele, Giza orHalwa.

· Miraa has similar but less intense effects than the stimulating effects of cocaine.

· Upon chewing, you experience an unusual feeling of excitement and alertness. You may talk too much, lose concentration on simple tasks or even forget simple facts.

· Chewing miraa causes rapid heart rate and increased blood pressure, symptoms that are sometimes confused with increased sexual libido or stamina.

· When chewed continually, miraa gives you chronic constipationsince it causes dehydration.

· Using miraa to stay awake places you in danger of causing harm through accidents. When your body suddenly goes to sleep due to accumulated sleep deprivation, you can cause road traffic or factory accidents thereby inflicting damage to life and property.

· The claim that chewing miraa increases your sexual libido is a myth. Instead, evidence suggests that miraa inhibits blood flow to the reproductive system.

· Chewing miraa constricts the vessels supplying blood to the reproductive tract thereby causing inhibited urine flow, and in men, the inability to attain and sustain an erection.

· The chemicals in miraa make your body to produce excessive amounts of sperm without you being sexually aroused. The sperms ooze out uncontrollably, a condition known as spermatorrhoea. In extreme cases, men are forced to wear nappies or several underpants.

· In women, the dehydrating effect of miraa dries the lining of the reproductive tract leading to pain during sexual intercourse and blistering. The micro-injuries can cause reproductive tract infections and sexually transmitted diseases.

Chewing miraa during pregnancy decreases blood flow to uterus, disrupting flow of nutrients from your bloodstream to the unborn baby.

And this is NOT GOOD, is it?

As you can see, its a plant, and a nice plant. But it is sold all over, you can also get it in big, or small, quantity.  They sell it on the street, in the bars, wherever! And People down there dont see the danger. The fact is that their brain gets ruined, and that is why they dont see it! They think al is well, and they cant see that they lose their capasity to think straight, or reason in a good way. That is why they are so aggressive. And also why there is so much violence and rape, killing etc.

I was told to never go alone, because they rape and kill alot down there. Well, I wasnt really scared of THAT! But I didnt like how they became when chewing this thing. Because they chew every day! And they dont see the change in them self!

• Drug and alcohol abuse makes you lose your self-control or inhibition and the ability to make sound decisions, such that you do not feel shy to engage in embarrassing behavior.

• Intoxication diminishes your perception of risk. In this carefree state of mind, you can engage in reckless sexual activity with a high risk of HIV infection.

• Since Kenya’s HIV prevalence now stands at 7.8%, any risky sexual behaviour as a result of intoxication may predispose you to HIV infection.

In Kenya in TOTAL, maybe 7.8%, but in the place I was, the rate was a high as 88 %! And that was a little place, not that big! I was shocked to hear that! And then, when I think about it, I was less shocked, because I saw so much! And I saw that what happened there, was actually that the HIV and AIDS was coming like crazy! And the abuse of alcohol and drugs make it even more so!

Miraa (Khat)

veve, gomba, mbachu, njiri, khat, kat, mairungi, qat, alwa, gaah, mogoka, giza, alele, andas.

Bhang (Marijuana)

Boza, wadada, shada, ndom, weed, ganja, dawa, dagga, kikola, ngwai, pot, grass, bhang, joint, Columbian.

Kenya has more than 70 street names for bhang

WELL, this is just a little, one can check it online, if one want. I know that miraa also is put in tea!

Its fresh leaves and tops are chewed or, less frequently, dried and consumed as tea, in order to achieve a state of euphoria and stimulation;

I knew about the tea-leaves, because I saw them. Was told it was only “herbs to put in the tea to make it taste better”. Well, sorry, I am not stupid, I knew what it was, because I could feel the smell of it. It got ruined in the washingmachine, thank God. So it couldnt be used!

When you use drugs, you ALWAYS lie! No matter what, you will always lie! Because you need the drug. And to have that urge of drug, you dont care about those around you. You lie! Until your dying day you will tell lies!

Please, stay away from drugs! No matter what, drugs are bad! And out there someone do love you! And they hate to see you addicted to these things that ruin your brain!

New days.

And every new day give new things coming up.


Let me tell you this: Today there are more porn online than there is Christian sites. No matter what you are looking for, those pornsites come puffing up. And men think women are all sluts, whores. No wonder. So many women are giving their bodies to the net, showing off, thinking that is what we all want. We dont. We would like to be safe when online, right?


To be a victim of abuse, to have seen so many girls raped, hurt, abused, and in the end killed,(suicide,but they were killed from the start, when they were abused, raped....) it is hard to see all these pages popping up. I know for a fact that many of the girls there, are NOT there of their own free will. And knowing, ALSO for a fact, that men are sending this around, showing others, so THEY can send it on, makes me very sad.


Where are the empathy for those girls who after all are being used? Where is the thoughts of stopping this? Where are the thoughts: This could be MY daughter, MY wife, MY mother? Who is abused, used, whatever? They get addicted to drugs, because in the beginning, this is how they are abused, while so high, they dont know what is done to them. And then they get addicted, they NEED the drugs, and are STILL used while high......


Somehow I feel MY body is being used again. Used and abused. Over and over. Maybe it isnt so, because I am not the one being used now, but knowing that every man....(well, over 90 %) in the world, are looking for this, I feel violated. 


I guess, when you have gone through abuse, you will feel that way?
And then, the feeling of worthlessness, the feeling that whenever the one you love make love to YOU, who is he really thinking about? Does he like MY body? Does he like the way I do things? Or do he always compare with the movies, the pictures, all those things that he can find online?
And what about those "sweet nothing`s" that lovers whisper? Does he want to whisper: I love you, in her ear? Or does he want to say: Slut, do this, do that, mmm, your ****** is this and that.....dirty......


And what about emotions? Does he show emotions? Or is it like he cant show feelings anymore? Maybe he is even so hard, he cant understand what you feel like? Does he even care about how you feel?


So many things happen when people see porn first. They lose out of what is LOVE, because porn has NOTHING to do with love. Porn is ACTING! They are acters. They do what they do, because someone is telling them how to do thing, and how not to do, what to say, how to show things, etc etc.


I remember one time, I was about 14 years old, and saw a pornmovie. I was shocked, I felt violated, I felt so bad. But what I remember most, was the fact that the girls was killed after they had raped them. I remember the blood. Oh yeah. I will never forget that!


And, you know what? Maybe it was real, maybe not, but the main factor was that these girls was ONLY good for that one thing, and after that....gee.....just kill them, they dont mean anything......


THIS is what is shown. Girls are nothing. Do whatever, they are not worth the good life anyway. Men rule, money rule. Women? No. No need for them......


So where is the thoughts of mom, sister, daughter, even granddaughter. When you try to educate them not to show off, not to be a whore. And then, two seconds later, you go online to see the sluts, whores, the porn. And think noone knows.....


Feelings are gone. They dont mean anything anymore. One-night-stands have come to stay. And the condoms have gone. New babies being born every day, some just to be sent on to xxx-movies. They steal children all over the world, to "teach" them to be prostitutes. 
Talk. OH MY. I have never heard so many bad words about women as I have lately. Respect is not there. Women are bi*****, p****, whatever bad things. I dont get it. EVERY TIME I hear that, I feel violated.


"I am sorry you feel that way".....if that was true, why say it? Oh no, not to me, that would be ONE time only. But hey, I can hear it. And it hurt me to even hear it! It is like: You are not worth nothing, all you women are bi**** and whores, sluts, good for just one thing....and one thing only.....and after that...back to the kitchen....Yeah.....


You dont see that WE are the ones giving BIRTH to your sorry ass, right? As soon as you are born, you start learning. Your dad say this and that, your friends, and their friends, and then...there you are, just the same.....


In China they dont really want girls to be born, so many are aborted even at 9 months, because they are "just girls". No wonder women feel bad, we are not even worth being born. But what you dont see, is that when women are gone, you will all be gone. 


Well. I am thinking alot. And feeling alot.......

Walls

If you want to get to someone,
PLEASE look for that backdoor.
But dont just open it.
Go inside. Show who you are,
show you care enaughto want to stay.
To be someone who will stay
even though you might have
to change something
to be there.
Show that you are different.
Show that you care.
Show that when the tears come,
you will dry them away.
Show that you are strong
enaugh to handle whatever comes.

Because the walls are there for a reason.
And if you find that backdoor,
do NOT make new walls,
because you are not strong enaugh to stay.

Don`t let new walls be build,
because you cannot show
the love you intended.
Show that you are strong enaugh,
to dry the tears,
to change their world.

We all have scars, we all have walls.
But if you really love someone,
you will change their hearts,
show them there are someone
out there who really care.

If you do not want to do that,
please leave the walls up.
Leave the backdoor closed.
And move on.

More walls will be build, if
the one who find that door,
makes it more shut.

Make a choice.
Be there, and be the one they need,
or leave.
See, once hurt, the walls are strong.
If you manage to tear them down,
help KEEP them down,
dont help building new ones!

♥
copyright Barbie2012

It Take time.....

So many people who have NOT been abused, cannot really understand what an abused child go through.

I do believe that the life of an abused child, growing up, is very different from the life of a non-abused child. A child that have never been abused, do not have the restrictions in their head, or heart, that a child who have been abused have. They cannot feel the shame, the pain, the hurt. And therefore cannot understand why it take a lifetime for that child,(if ever) to finally see that they actually DO have the right to say NO. They DO have the right to see themself as the wonderful person they are. They DO have the right to say: I DONT WANT THIS! I DO NOT WANT YOU TO TREAT ME THIS WAY!

A very good friend of mine finally left her abusive husband. I am VERY proud of her, even though I shouldnt be proud to see her go through a divorce at her age. But, she FINALLY took the step, she finally got the courage to leave.
Now, WHY did it take her so long to leave?

Let me try to explain to those who want to understand, how a person having been abused as a child and up, can keep on taking the abuse.

First of, we are used to being abused. We are used to people see us like "nothing". We have been given the blame for whatever happened, for many many years. We are used to not saying how we feel, because we know that if we feel bad, it dont really matter.

We are used to the shame,the feeling that we are nothing. We are used to being the ones who is put down.

So why dont we just start seeing ourself as the person we are, the strong person, the LION? Because the animals that are stronger, STILL put us down. And after so many years, how can we start fighting?

As for me, I managed. I started the fight, and are still trying to fight. But, as all others, I am still fighting with the feeling of no-worth. The feeling of being noone. Nothing. Still abused?

When you are abused as a child, and then as an adult, you stay in that spot. You try to be strong, and for me, the lion is out, but still hiding for so many things. I still feel disrespected because I dont dare say what I really feel. Scared? Maybe. Or yes. I am.

Scared, because in the end, people dont see ME, they just see the person I used to be. The one that didnt dare to say what I felt.

Oh, I still remember how scared I USED to be. How scared I was to say anything at all. And, sorry to say, I am still scared. Not that much, but enaugh to NOT say how I feel, and what it is that is bothering me. And that is why I am still being disrespected, put under the rug, having done all those things to, that I so much hate. And I am too scared to say.

OK, so I am grown. And I SHOULD have been able to say, right? It is NOT that easy!

One person said "I do not feel sorry for her, she should have left a long time ago".

It is not that easy! Being the person who are abused, and have been for so long, we just CANNOT leave like that. We are scared. Because we do know what we have, but not what is coming. At least, when we are abused,(in whatever way it is) we KNOW. We are used. But what will happen if we leave that? Will it be better, or worse?

I am still here. So many of us are not. JUST because we STILL are abused. We will always be abused. I am sure people see us, and see we are people who have been abused, and that is why they come to us. They KNOW they can "do whatever they want", and we will stick around, because we are scared.
Well. That is, in many ways, true. But also, in many ways, it is NOT true, because at one point, when we have had enaugh, we DO leave.
Why? Because in the end, we cannot take it anymore.

It is hard being a person that all her life have been abused, one way or another. And it is hard to leave, when you know you love the person who abuse you.
It is kind of a hate/love thing. You LOVE the person, and you HATE what they do to you. And it takes forever to get the courage to leave them.

I wish I had the courage to open up, to say what I feel, to say "this really hurt me, you need to stop", and know that they will stop. I dont have that courage. I dont have the courage to say: This is enaugh, you need to stop this, show me you can stop it, show me you love me enaugh to stop".....

Maybe love is not enaugh anyways....