It Take time.....

So many people who have NOT been abused, cannot really understand what an abused child go through.

I do believe that the life of an abused child, growing up, is very different from the life of a non-abused child. A child that have never been abused, do not have the restrictions in their head, or heart, that a child who have been abused have. They cannot feel the shame, the pain, the hurt. And therefore cannot understand why it take a lifetime for that child,(if ever) to finally see that they actually DO have the right to say NO. They DO have the right to see themself as the wonderful person they are. They DO have the right to say: I DONT WANT THIS! I DO NOT WANT YOU TO TREAT ME THIS WAY!

A very good friend of mine finally left her abusive husband. I am VERY proud of her, even though I shouldnt be proud to see her go through a divorce at her age. But, she FINALLY took the step, she finally got the courage to leave.
Now, WHY did it take her so long to leave?

Let me try to explain to those who want to understand, how a person having been abused as a child and up, can keep on taking the abuse.

First of, we are used to being abused. We are used to people see us like "nothing". We have been given the blame for whatever happened, for many many years. We are used to not saying how we feel, because we know that if we feel bad, it dont really matter.

We are used to the shame,the feeling that we are nothing. We are used to being the ones who is put down.

So why dont we just start seeing ourself as the person we are, the strong person, the LION? Because the animals that are stronger, STILL put us down. And after so many years, how can we start fighting?

As for me, I managed. I started the fight, and are still trying to fight. But, as all others, I am still fighting with the feeling of no-worth. The feeling of being noone. Nothing. Still abused?

When you are abused as a child, and then as an adult, you stay in that spot. You try to be strong, and for me, the lion is out, but still hiding for so many things. I still feel disrespected because I dont dare say what I really feel. Scared? Maybe. Or yes. I am.

Scared, because in the end, people dont see ME, they just see the person I used to be. The one that didnt dare to say what I felt.

Oh, I still remember how scared I USED to be. How scared I was to say anything at all. And, sorry to say, I am still scared. Not that much, but enaugh to NOT say how I feel, and what it is that is bothering me. And that is why I am still being disrespected, put under the rug, having done all those things to, that I so much hate. And I am too scared to say.

OK, so I am grown. And I SHOULD have been able to say, right? It is NOT that easy!

One person said "I do not feel sorry for her, she should have left a long time ago".

It is not that easy! Being the person who are abused, and have been for so long, we just CANNOT leave like that. We are scared. Because we do know what we have, but not what is coming. At least, when we are abused,(in whatever way it is) we KNOW. We are used. But what will happen if we leave that? Will it be better, or worse?

I am still here. So many of us are not. JUST because we STILL are abused. We will always be abused. I am sure people see us, and see we are people who have been abused, and that is why they come to us. They KNOW they can "do whatever they want", and we will stick around, because we are scared.
Well. That is, in many ways, true. But also, in many ways, it is NOT true, because at one point, when we have had enaugh, we DO leave.
Why? Because in the end, we cannot take it anymore.

It is hard being a person that all her life have been abused, one way or another. And it is hard to leave, when you know you love the person who abuse you.
It is kind of a hate/love thing. You LOVE the person, and you HATE what they do to you. And it takes forever to get the courage to leave them.

I wish I had the courage to open up, to say what I feel, to say "this really hurt me, you need to stop", and know that they will stop. I dont have that courage. I dont have the courage to say: This is enaugh, you need to stop this, show me you can stop it, show me you love me enaugh to stop".....

Maybe love is not enaugh anyways....