As a mother, you say: IF something like this happen to my child, I would SURE see it.
Sorry, that is a lie.
I was feeling those bad feelings, thinking: WHY dont my mom see it? Why dont she react? Why dont she come in and stop it?
Well, first off, my mom was too hung up in herself, she wouldnt be able to see anything happening that didnt concern her. Second, when my mom and stepdad split up, he moved, and we kids moved with him. I was living there for some time,before I moved back to my mom`s house, and then moved out. So she couldnt possibly see what was going on at that time.
But before that? When we were all living together? No. She was too busy with herself, and everyone else was not a priority.
But then again, as a mom, should you not see if your child is abused? Should you not see the change in them? See all the stuff happening?
I was so sure it would be easy to see, but alas, it is NOT!!! Children are so good at hiding things. We learn to lie because of this, and oh Lord, we lie! And we lie looking people straight in the eyes. We lie, so much, we actually start believing our lie. That is why I just cant stand lies! I dont want to be lied to, ever. And I dont want to tell lies.
See, the kids are so scared, they HAVE to lie, to survive!!! Maybe that is why we also get our imagination up so much? We learn to "make up stories", so noone will see what is happening. We try to be loyal. We dont want anyone to know, ALSO because of loyalty.
But, to be a mother of a child that is abused, and not see what is going on, is hell!
I always said: I will see it if something happened to my girls. And maybe I would. But let me tell you: I did NOT see! Or maybe I was too scared to see? Maybe I was blinded, and didnt dare to see what was really going on? And nothing did happen to my baby girls.
But unfortunatly, something did happen. And I didnt see it. OH, I see it NOW! I saw it the minute I knew, I remembered things that I thought was weird. I remembered those things that I sort of overlooked at that time.
Being a mother, and not see this, almost killed me. I have never felt the pain I felt then. NEVER! I was in a state of hysteria. I had someone with me when I found out, and thank God for that! Because when I finally found out, I sat down, I started to laugh, while my stomack was twisting, and my heart was braking. And then the tears came. I was crying hysterically. We took all the kids out of the room, and I just let go. Thank God for my sweet sil. If she hadnt been there, I dont know what would happen. As it was now, she managed to calm me down.
The police was called that same day. And we went there just a few days later, since it was weekend.
While at the police, I sat outside the room where my kid was, on the floor, just crying crying crying. I do believe so much of that time is gone from my head. Memories are gone. It is like my head was filled with cotton...
It took some time before the abuser finally got his time in jail. And yes, I know it is bad to say, but I was so glad to hear he was beat up. I was glad, because he needed to feel the pain, the fear, the kids had felt! I shouldnt say it, I know, but hey, its human!!!!
I asked one police officer I had some contact with at that time, if it was ok if I dreamt about how to kill nthis man. And he said yes! It IS ok to feel the anger, the hate, to feel the hurt, and to think about HOW to kill., I am sure of one thing: IF I had come over this man doing what he did, he WOULD be dead now. And I dont think I would have been in jail either. Insane in the moment of killing.....oh I know I would have been insane IF that would have happened!
I felt hurt for my own childhood, and anger, and hate. But that was NOTHING to what I felt for that man. Nothing at all. I felt so much hate, I have never felt anything like that. So much anger. I sometimes wished he would just fall dead on the floor,.
And to see him in that courtroom, oh my God. To see him sitting there, as if this didnt affect him at all....It was so hard! To hear him tell the judge he didnt need to be there, and to see the wife protect him!
He got jailtime, but not enaugh.
What if he still do the same thing?????
